A list of the
UK’s finest Christmas cracker jokes has been compiled by
UKTV’s Gold, freshly updated for 2016 and recently published in the media.
A panel of Gold judges, whittled thousands of cracker joke contenders on Twitter down to a
shortlist, before holding a public vote to find the 30 best rib-ticklers.
I thought I’d share them here today.
Top 30 Christmas cracker jokes
1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About five minutes.
3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have
gone.
4. I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.
5. What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.
6. Why has Hillary
Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F-B-I .
7. Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at the North Pole? He couldn’t get past Iceland .
8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn ’s Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed .
9. Prince Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says The Queen replies: “63 years. Yes, that is a lot.”
10. What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they’re both a little orange .
11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
12. What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch .
13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold
.
14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.
15. Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.
16. I can’t
get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
17. Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.
18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.
19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.
20. Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.
21. Why doesn’t Sam Allardyce help load Santa’s sleigh? Because it takes him 67 days to get the
sack.
22. Why did the snowman pull out of Strictly? Because he got cold feet.
23. How do you pay respect to David Bowie this Xmas? By serving some Ziggy pudding.
24. What’s Tom Hiddleston starring in over Christmas?
The Night Manger
25. What does Nigel Farage do to the hall with boughs of holly? He Dexit.
26. What did Tim Peake get in his stocking this year? Galaxy and Milky Way.
27. Why did Ed Balls fail an audition to play
one of Santa’s reindeer in a Christmas pantomime? Because he’s no Dancer.
28. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite type of ice cream? Wall’s.
29. Why’s Santa going round the world this Christmas Eve? He’s playing Pokemon Ho Ho Ho.
30. How do snowmen leave the EU? They trigger Icicle 50.