Hello - And Welcome To This Week's Edition Of Adam Up I have spent most of the past week in Edinburgh. I love the city of Edinburgh. It is beautiful firstly, the castle is stunning, the architecture throughout is lovely and the city centre is clean, I just really like the way things look there. I have found the people to be very friendly and have a great sense of humour too, I think the accent and the way some people talk really resonates well with me, some
expressions I heard just made me fall about laughing while I was there.
I ran two classes while I was Edinburgh and will be running both of those seminars in Manchester at the start of July - (if you live in the North or the Midlands it will be great to see you there. See the information below).
In between, I had the Saturday to myself mostly, I had a couple of things to do, then I went shopping. I went and bought some bits and pieces for my wife and children, did a spot of clothes shopping for myself, and then settled down to
watch the Scottish and English cup finals. During which I got talking to some other hotel guests who commented on my shopping bags; “spent a fortune, have you?” to which I replied “oh no, just a couple of bits for my wife and children, so that they know I was thinking of them” to which the reply was “oh yeah?! My wife wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t come back with something expensive.”
This was interesting to me and illustrates a central point I wanted to make today.
You see, I have not been away from my family for five days since I have had children. I really missed them. I had a lovely time, I enjoyed myself immensely,
but I missed them a great deal. We had a couple of FaceTime calls every day, but when I got home we had BIG hugs and we all missed each other a lot.
While I was watching the cup final in the bar, the same man who had commented on my shopping, and his friends continued to discuss their dissatisfaction with their
lives, jobs and families…
They all wanted more of what they did not have, yet they had so much to be pleased about in reality. I mean, they had good jobs, loving families and were healthy guys who were running the marathon as I was. I thought they had much to be happy about as I listened to them sharing stories and
reasons for them being unhappy or disillusioned. It seemed like such a shame.
Let me explain….
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Why Are Materialists Less Happy!
A recent piece of research conducted at Baylor University entitled “Why are materialists less happy? The role of gratitude and need satisfaction in the relationship between materialism and life satisfaction” by Tsang and colleagues, published in the Journal of Individual Differences this year suggests that if you are a materialistic person you are more likely to also be depressed and unsatisfied with your
life.
The study highlights something that I see within my therapy consulting rooms a great deal, and something that these men I was with all had – that there is often a gap, a chasm, that exists between where we are and where we want to be – the gap creates dissatisfaction in many. The idea presented in this research is that by continuing to focus on what you want, you are inherently aware
of what you don’t have, which in turn makes it harder for you to appreciate and be satisfied with what you do already have
One of the findings of the research therefore, was that a person who is more materialistic experienced less gratitude and subsequently was more dissatisfied with life.
Psychology research tends to suggest that gratitude plays an important part in our lives and contributes to our levels of satisfaction. You can go and research it yourself, go to PubMed, Plosone or even search in google scholar and you’ll find a bunch of research to support this notion.
Here are just a few references that I have explored:
Emmons, R. A., McCullough, M. E. (2003) Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 84(2), pp.
377-389.
McCullough, M. E., Kilpatrick, S. D., Emmons, R. A. & Larson, D. B. (2001) Is gratitude a moral affect? Psychological Bulletin, Vol 127(2), pp. 249-266.
Emmons, R. A., & Shelton, R. M. (2002) Gratitude and the science of positive psychology. In Handbook of positive psychology, S. E. Wright (Ed).
Froha, J. F., Sefickb, W. J. & Emmons, R.
A. (2008) Counting blessings in early adolescents: An experimental study of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of School Psychology. Volume 46, Issue 2, pp. 213–233
Grant, A. M. & Gino, F. (2010) A little thanks goes a long way: Explaining why gratitude expressions
motivate prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 98(6), pp. 946-955.
…… The notion of gratitude then, is an evidence-based one.
Who’d have thought it?
One of the authors of the recent study I am writing about today (James Roberts) states the following:
“Our ability to adapt to new situations may help explain why ‘more stuff’ doesn’t make us any happier. As we amass more and more possessions, we don’t get any happier — we simply raise our reference point. That new 2,500-square-foot house becomes the baseline for your desires for an even bigger house. It’s called the Treadmill of Consumption
We continue to purchase more and more stuff but we don’t get any closer to happiness, we simply speed up the treadmill.”
I’ve referred to this sort of thing before here in Adam Up. The authors go on to quote the Greek philosopher Epicurus:
“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
I love that. Anyone who derives pleasure from hardcore shopping should have this quote sewn into the inside of their wallet or purse! This has helped me a great deal.
This notion has been useful for me personally, but it also has helped me to fortify a central notion within my own new audio programme about developing a wealth mindset; that you should choose how you interpret the notion of wealth. Also, that you do not think of wealth in purely financial terms. For me, wealth is being able to
have enough time to spend with my children as they grow up, time to train for marathons, time to research for my PhD – as well as earning enough money to keep us in the lifestyle that we currently have. Wealth is having a day off to buy silly things, not necessarily expensive things, for my children while I am away from them.
Many classic wealth and personal development
texts/books (Prosperity, As a Man Thinketh, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, just for starters) use the metaphor that the mind is like a fertile garden and that the thoughts we place into it subsequently manifest themselves into what we get in life.
Well, this notion of gratitude makes that metaphorical garden far, far more fertile.
When I plan for each new year ahead, my business partner Keith and I also like to have a retrospective look at the year that has just passed. We look at what went well, we look at what projects earned us money, we look at what we enjoyed and so on.
Away from
my work, I also record a yearly film of my family and all the times we had together that I want to give to my kids as a collection of films when they are older to show them how life was growing up.
It has been my experience, that lots of people reflect upon periods of time and recall personal loss and trauma which I understand, however many people also take it a step further and remind
themselves of things they did not do or should have done, things they did not accomplish. This is potentially problematic and goes against the notion of expressing gratitude.
Be realistic, and don’t just ignore the bad stuff (it can be valuable learning), but also reflect and review with gratitude. Concentrate on what went right and what you did do
well.
Even if you are missing people that may not be in your life anymore, or you have not reduced those extra few pounds from your waistline, or didn’t earn your first billion pounds with your invention you presented to the Dragon’s in their Den, that may not be a valid reason to be upset or reflect negatively.
Consider those that are no longer with us and see if you can be grateful for the love you shared with them, and the laughs you had together. I would love my Grandparents to have met my children. It saddens me that they will not get to do so. But I love remembering what I learned from them and I am grateful for the parties I had in their homes and the laughs in the pub, the Christmases enjoyed and so on. They enriched my life greatly. While I was sat in the bar
watching the Cup final last weekend, I really appreciated the time I spent with my family while I was away from them, it made me feel happy at the same time.
It’s a challenge to think about the things you have already got, if you are distracted with wanting other things all the time. It’s difficult to think about the things you did do, when you’re concentrating so hard on the things you
didn’t do. Being grateful for what you have and what you have done is something that you can do at anytime to receive the benefits. Many authors tend to believe that if you want more of something, then simply be
grateful for the things you already have. I don’t want to reach that far even. Simply use gratitude to advance your degree of satisfaction with life – because that is being wealthy.
One of the simplest ways to benefit from gratitude is to create an ongoing, ever-developing list of all the things you have in your life. This can include ‘stuff’ if you want – a roof over your head, a means of
transport, a favourite jacket.
‘Things’ do not have to be physical things either. You can be thankful for the love you have in your life, relationships, friendships, laughter as well as the knowledge you have, feelings you enjoy and everything in between.
A lot of modern TV culture tends to have
young people in particular yearning to be famous, yearning to have millions of pounds to live the lifestyles of those they see on the telly, and this creates a gulf between that dream and where they currently are.
Why not enjoy and be grateful for the entertainment they provide instead? Be grateful for having the
capacity to dream?
Be grateful for the sunrise you saw when you drove to work early, the colour of your hair, your current home, the dinner you enjoyed, and just about everything else you can think of. Then build your list, add to it regularly.
If you want to be evidence-based about it,
conduct your own research experiment: express gratitude for a week and record your findings and/or any differences in your life – then decide if the differences make it worthwhile doing some more.
Consider creating another list; an “accomplishments and achievements” list. Write down all the things that you are proud of that you have done in your life.
This does not have to be exclusively massive things like “discovered cure for common cold” – it can be experiences you shared with family, jokes you shared with friends, times you got your to-do list emptied and felt mega-productive, etc.
When you have finished your lists (one for accomplishments, one for all the things you have in your
life to be grateful about) enjoy reading it back to yourself. Be grateful for every single thing on those lists Keep the list handy, review it daily, add to them, and get the gratitude perpetuating. Make it an integral part of your day to reflect with gratitude. Offer yourself some ongoing encouragement, praise, acceptance and gratitude – it’ll make you feel wealthier!
I am extremely
grateful for you, someone who chose to read something I have to say – thanks.
The happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky says gratitude is one of the things the happiest people on Earth all share.
Gratitude is
arguably the king of happiness.
What’s the research say? Can’t be more clear than this:
“…the more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed,
anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic.”
Gratitude is one of the most scientifically validated ways to increase happiness.
The only real problem with gratitude, however, is that it is not permanent, it wears off. Inevitably, we all end up taking things for granted. A bit like the guys I was in the pub with last weekend.
Therefore, we all need to build gratitude into our daily routine, make it an integral
part of our day.
Here are a couple of scientifically supported ways to do just that:
1) Pan for Gold Using Your Journal
This technique
has been proven to be effective over and over and over again. Those who have been in class with me know that I hold in very high regard, the eminent psychologist from the University of Pennsylvania professor Martin Seligman. In his book ‘Flourish’ he states:
“Every night for the next week, set aside ten minutes before you go to sleep. Write
down three things that went well today and why they went well…Writing about why the positive events in your life happened may seem awkward at first, but please stick with it for one week. It will get easier. The odds are that you will be less depressed, happier, and addicted to this exercise six months from now.”
That’s it. Just keep your journal and
a pen at your bedside, write down three good things that happened to you that day and why they happened. Then go to bed. It works! Well, Psychologist Richard Wiseman also concurs that it does in his book “59 Seconds” and it has a marvellous effect on so many of my therapy clients.
The research shows that doing it once a week actually worked as
well if not better than doing it every night, so start panning for gold in your days and filter life in a progressive fashion. 2) Recalling Negative Stuff. Really?
The ancient Stoics followed this principle.
When you think about and reflect upon something negative that happened to you, think about how it helped you develop. Did it make you appreciate the things you do have in your life? If so, how?
Psychotherapists, psychologists, health professionals, teachers and many other professionals engage in reflective practice as a means of examining what they do and how they do it. It is all about learning from experience. So even if bad stuff has happened, that bad stuff can ultimately have positive consequences, things we can now be grateful for. Just pick a negative event, circumstance or episode from your life and explore the
ways in which you developed from it, and what lessons you took from it.
Importantly, what can you actually be grateful for as a result of this experience?
3) The Gratitude
Delivery
In amongst the research supporting gratitude, is research that shows gratitude also improves relationships of varying kinds; friendships, marriages, work colleagues etc.
Within every and any kind of inter personal or professional relationship, express gratitude. The best way to do that according to the research is to write a letter of appreciation to the person who has done something for you, and then read it out aloud to them. This is highly beneficial for both parties involved.
There you have it,
the evidence suggests and demonstrates that gratitude causes happiness. If you don’t want to spend your life being miserable in a pub telling everyone how dissatisfied you are with your work, marriage, family and everything else, then start to use gratitude, you’ll be very pleased you did and the rewards will be great.
I was sent a bunch of weather related puns this week after I was complaining that the Summer was yet to arrive
and was well overdue here in England, these cheered me up:
Q: What kind of hair do oceans have? A: Wavy!
Q: What did Mars say to Saturn? A: Give me a ring sometime.
Q: What did the big flower say to the small flower? A: What's up Bud.
Q: Where does seaweed go to look for a job? A: The kelp wanted section.
Q: When is the moon the heaviest? A: When it's full!
Q: What type of songs do the planets sing? A: Nep-tunes!
Q: What washes up on very small beaches? A: Microwaves!
Q: What do you call an attractive volcano? A: Lava-ble!
I love those. Thanks to all who continue to send in the jokes, I love getting them each week. We have these seminars coming up - Edinburgh in May and Manchester in July.
You
can see full details and book tickets on the Eventbrite website.
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