Instead of the joke of the week and the articles of the week, as it has been a little while since I last posted it.... My students, friends, family and most clients tend to know that I have many comedy heroes, past and present… A few years ago, Katie and I went to the Bournemouth International Centre to watch Steve Coogan’s comedy tour… I cried with laughter… It was
always going to happen, I am conditioned to laugh at the man when he is on stage.
His character and true comedy legend is Alan partridge… I once bought the script book for every single radio episode and all 3 TV series, which I read over and over for years… As well as having the hypnotist on his first TV series… The hypnotist was Tony LeMesmer and hypnotised Alan into believing he was an owl, omitting a pellet, hahahaha… He was also hypnotised during his radio show. If
you get the chance to go and invest in his radio shows on disc, please do so, they are hilarious.
Please bear in mind, this is a comedy sketch, a spoof and not a transcript of a session… Anyway, here is most of what happened during that radio show when Alan Partridge was hypnotised and regressed to his childhood. Enjoy:
Applause
Alan
OK, now, if you just want to move chairs, right. My next guest. Look
into my eyes! You are feeling very sleepy. If my soothing voice is soothing enough, it should be sending you listeners at home to sleep. Are you asleep? Well, wake up! Because I, Alan Partridge, am not a hypnotist but my next guest is. I’m told she’s going to hypnotize me. I might end up like one of those zombies from The Living Dead. Of course, my arms won’t be dropping off. She hails from across the Great Lake, good ol’ Uncle US of Stateside. She’s as American as chocolate chip biscuits and
mum’s apple tart, but that’s where comparisons with a tart must end, lest I come to a sticky end. Ladies and gentlemen, she’s not a tart, she’s a lady hypnotist, with a set of pins that will hypnotize any bloke. The big question is, what’s the name of her game? Please welcome Janey Katz.
Applause and music: ‘The Name of the Game’
Janey
Thank you!
Alan
Janey Katz. Knowing me, Alan
Partridge, knowing you, Janey Katz, ah-haa.
Janey
Uh-huh.
Alan
No, ah-hooo, you say, ah-haaa.
Janey
Ah-haaaaa.
Alan
That’s right.
Janey
OK, right.
Alan
What’s the name of your game? Is it a game? Has it got a name, other than
hypnotism?
Janey
Really, what I practice is hypnotherapy, not hypnosis, so I try to distance myself from showbiz, you know, the razzamatazz side of it. I’m not out to make fools of people. I’m there to use hypnotherapy as a form of helping people to open up their minds.
Alan
Right, because I saw a brilliant hypnotist —Tony Mesmer he was called — he was brilliant, he was fantastic. He had blokes crying like
babies, he had women on all fours barking like dogs. It was really first-class entertainment, it really was fantastic.
Janey
Yeah, I don’t do that.
Alan
He’s very popular. He’s booked right through to next summer, unavailable, hence your good self. Now, but you were in London promoting your new book.
Janey
That’s right,
yes.
Alan
I actually know New York quite well.
Janey
You do?
Alan
Mmmm, I popped over there, and I really did get into, as Billy Joel put t, I really did get into a New York state of mind.
Janey
I bet you did.
Alan
Urn, I jumped in a cab and I said, ‘Cabbie, take me to the
core of the Big Apple. I want to check out the bits, dude.’ I really did say that.
Janey
Ha-ha-ha! Oh my God! Just next time, say Manhattan and you’ll get there.
Alan
Well, no, I want to get to the centre of New York.
Janey
Yeah, that is Manhattan.
Alan
Right, that’s not where I want to
go.
Janey
Where do you want to go?
Alan
Bloomingdales.
Janey
Yeah.You’re in Manhattan.
Alan
Right OK, I’m in Manhattan. What do I do now?
Janey
You just get in a cab, and you say to the driver, ‘Take me to Manhattan to
Bloomingdales.’
Alan
OK, I’m outside Bloomingdales. What next? What do I do now?
Janey
What do you mean?
Alan
You’ve hypnotized me.
Janey
No I haven’t, no.
Alan
Oh, I see! I’m sorry.
Janey
You’ll know,
Alan.
Alan
I thought you just slid into it. It’s just that you are staring at me.
Janey
I’m sorry. No, I just find you fascinating.
Alan
In what way?
Janey
Clinically.
Alan
Really? Thank you.
Janey
My
pleasure.
Alan
You, Janey Katz, hypnotist, I, Alan Partridge, clinically fascinating. Thank you. Now I believe right now, I’m very fortunate, because you’re going to hypnotize me.
Janey
I certainly am, yes.
Alan
Great.
Janey
Obviously, we don’t have much time, so it’s going to be a kind of vague gesture towards it.
But the idea is that what we’ll try to do is project on to, let’s say, the curtain of your mind, a series of images from your past.
Alan
OK, well, I’ll draw back my curtains
Janey
Good.
Alan
— behind which you will find a net curtain. You may lift that up, should you wish
Janey
Thank
you.
Alan
— and we’ll see if there are any skeletons lurking in — the cupboard, the curtain, the curtain cupboard.
Janey
In your mind.
Alan
My mind’s curtain cupboard, yeah.
Janey
All right Well the first thing to do is to get you relaxed, so if you can just lie on — what are
you
Alan
Just put this peg on my nose.
Janey
Why are you putting a peg on your nose?
Alan
(Sounding blocked up) Well, because I was told that your blood-pressure increases during hypnotism. It could lead to a nose bleed.
Janey
No, that’s nonsense. Who told you
that?
Alan
The researchers.
Janey
I think it was probably a joke.
Alan
Ok, no, that’s all right, that’s ok.
Janey
Well, I mean, take it off.
Alan
I’ll take it off if I wish to take it off.
Janey
You can’t relax with a peg on your
nose, Alan.
Alan
I should be the judge of whether I should take the peg off my nose, and, as it happens, I have decided to take the peg off. I’ll do that now.
Janey
OK, just lie back on the couch if you could be so kind.
Alan
(Sounding normal again) Right, I’m lying back on the couch, listeners.
Janey
OK, just try to
concentrate. Now, I’m going to count you down from three and then in that time I want you to relax every muscle in your body, OK, and then you will be hypnotized. Three, two — one. Now, Alan, without opening your eyes, I want you to tell me what you can see.
Alan
(In a high, childish voice) A pair of plimsolls.
Janey
All right. Now, who do they belong
to?
Alan
Little boy.
Janey
Do you recognize the little boy?
Alan
Yes, it’s Alan Partridge.
Janey
Uh, huh. Now, I want you to just step inside Alan Partridge.
Alan
Ok.
Janey
Now, Alan, would you tell me how old you
are?
Little Alan
(Sounding frightened) I’m eight years old.
Janey
And where are you at the moment?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom of Tandle Hill.
Janey
Where’s Tandle Hill?
Little Alan
Near the school.
Janey
OK. Now, describe what
you can see in front of you.
Little Alan
There’s about eighty boys.
Janey
So you’re not alone?
Little Alan
No, they’re at the top of the hill.
Janey
And where are you?
Little Alan
I’m on the bottom. Can’t keep up with them, it’s a cross-country
run.
Janey
OK.
Little Alan
It’s cold. It’s very cold.
Janey
Why are you so cold if you are running, Alan?
Little Alan
I haven’t got any shorts on.
Janey
Why not?
Little Alan
Steven McCoombe’s taken them off
me.
Janey
Can you see Steven McCoombe?
Little Alan
Yes, he’s waving them about with his hands. He’s saying, ‘SmellyAlan Fartridge! Smelly Alan Fartridge!’ I’m not smelly!
Janey
No, I know that.
Little Alan
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Janey
OK, Alan, all right, now look, you’re
not happy, are you, no?
Little Alan
No.
Janey
No. Should we take you away from here?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Let’s take you to some place where you are happy, OK?
Little Alan
Oh good.
Janey
We’re going there right
now.
Little Alan
Mmm—
Janey
Are you there?
Little Alan
Yes.
Janey
Now tell me what you can see.
Little Alan
I’m in class.
Janey
Yeah.
Little Alan
The Headmaster’s come
in.
Janey
Right And what’s happening?
Janey
And what’s happening now?
Little Alan
Oh, he’s looking very pleased. He said, he said, ‘Someone’s won an essay writing competition, someone’s written an essay on sport and it’s won a prize.’
Janey
Mm-hmm. What else is he saying?
Little
Alan
He said, ‘Is there an Alan Partridge in the class? Would Alan Partridge identify himself?’
Little Alan
I’m standing up. They’re all applauding me!
Janey
Terrific. And what are you saying, Alan?
Little Alan
I’m saying, (reverts back to his grown-up voice) ‘I’m Alan Partridge! I am Alan Partridge! I’ve won the essay writing competition, of that
there’s no doubt!’
Janey
OK.
Little Alan
Yes, I have won it. Things will now be very different. No longer will I be called infantile names — ‘cos I won the competition!
Janey
Great, now, Alan, we have to, we’re running a little short of time, we have to now bring you back, OK?
Alan
No, I don’t want to come
back.
Janey
No, you, you’ll be fine, you have to come back because you’re in the middle of a talk show.
Alan
I like it here.
Janey
Well, you like it here too.
Alan
No, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be on the radio.
Janey
Come on, Alan. You’re very popular
—
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4.
Janey
Alan, OK—
Alan
Nobody listens to Radio 4!
Janey
Now, Alan, just concentrate because I can’t bring you back otherwise.
Alan
I want to be on the telly!
Janey
Now, I’m going to count to three
and you have to come back.
Alan
Let me on the telly! Let me on the telly!
Janey
One — two — three.
Alan
So what I want to know is when are you going to hypnotize me?
Janey
I’ve done it.
Alan
Really?
Janey
Yes, it’s been done.
Just think about what is foremost in your mind at the moment.
Alan
Oh, the essay writing competition.
Janey
That’s right, back at school. Anything else from school, d’you remember?
Alan
Yes, cross-country run.
Janey
Tandle Hill, do you remember that?
Alan
Yes, ah, great
stuff.
Janey
That’s right, yep, did you enjoy that?
Simon (previous guest, a child who is still in the studio)
Smelly Alan Fartridge!
Alan
What? No one calls me that! No one alls me that!
Janey
Hang on, Simon —
Simon
I was just referring him back to his
past.
Janey
No, Simon, this is a very important point, you must not abuse this privilege, because we have been privileged to see inside Alan’s memory.
Alan
No, I did not smell.
Janey
Now this is irrelevant, Alan, you don’t have to defend yourself.
Alan
(Agitated) No, I want to clear this up once and for
all.
Janey
There’s no need
Alan
This has been hanging in the air for about thirty years, right, but I want to clear it up, OK? Steven McCoombe called me Smelly Alan Fartridge, because he thought it was funny. Fartridge, Partridge, he said smelly. I wasn’t. My personal hygiene was never in question. I showered regularly, I didn’t smell. The question is, what’s Steven McCoombe doing now? That’s the question,
because I host a chat show, what’s he do? I tell you, he’s a forklift truck driver with British Leyland. I’ll tell you. he lives in Edgbaston, he’s got a pathetic life, I’ve seen, I’ve parked my car outside his house, I’ve watched him come and go, and he’s got a sad, pathetic life and McCoombe, if you are listening, what are you now? You’re nothing. And lam Alan Partridge!
(Applause) Yeah, thank you, thank you.
Now, that sort of wraps it
up. Now -your book’s available in the shops this Christmas?
Janey
Ha ha! It’s not a very good advert for my book! I assure you it does not make you this aggressive!
Alan
OK, well.
Janey
Yeah, it’s called The Future is Behind You and it is in fact a therapeutic study.
Alan
OK, one for the Christmas stocking,
hypnotize your friends.
Janey
No, no, it’s not a show, it’s not a party trick.
Alan
Well, OK, in that case, a very serious book. Slap it on top of, er, Stephen Hawking’s book on your coffee table and impress your friends. Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Katz!
Applause. Section ends.
I absolutely love that…
Have a fabulous weekend…
I am running my hypnotherapy practitioner diploma this weekend
