Photo: Rolf Lübke

Now I have been joking over at Facebook and another couple of online hangouts about my wife and her driving skills... She has twice reversed out of our drive at home and scraped her car on the front gate or wall! We had to get some very clever people in to patch those up.

So when she told me that there had been a slight accident with the car again last week, once I knew she was unharmed and well, I started thinking, "What has she done this time?"

As it happens, it was actually someone else who did not look when pulling out and pulled into the side of her car. She was with my mother-in-law at the time and they also got another independent witness who saw it all happen... However, none of that is going to be needed. Let me explain...

To put this in context; my wife is very small. She is only 5 foot and a bit tall... She weighs almost half as much as me... Yet she has what many might refer to as 'assertiveness' in all manner of situations and circumstances.

She is assertive in the workplace, in public and, some may think, in her home life! (Ok, so she got the Cath Kidston wallpaper in the downstairs toilet, but heck, I like it too!)

You see, it was this assertiveness and manner that she carries about her, that defies her physical size in many ways and ensured that when she pulled up to the side of the road to speak to the young man who had driven into the car, he immediately apologised, gave his details, proved an authentic phone number, texted her again to apologise and admitted all, without complication, to his insurance company and all is proceeding very amicably and agreeably.

When people have a correct level of assertiveness, they get lots more done in life, they achieve more satisfying results in all manner of circumstances and tend to be able to be assertive with themselves -- meaning that they have a good level of well-being, in general terms.

There is a large body of evidence for the usefulness of assertiveness training in therapy these days... Certainly the fields relating to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy place emphasis on assertiveness training for clients, helping them to take more control of more of their lives.

This week, I have a really simple, initial step-by-step approach to developing appropriate levels of assertiveness, and it involves a sort of role play... Not the sort I referred to in my blog earlier this week (the type that involves escapism and you can read about it at my blog), but the kind whereby you take on certain roles in order to develop your assertiveness.

Photo: Sufi Nawaz

This process can, of course, be done with another person -- one of you can role-play each side of the scenario -- however, it can be effectively done all by yourself too. However you choose to do this, there needs to be a carefully judged level of opposition...

I can remember watching that comedy episode of 'Alan Partridge' on television when Alan asked his PA, Lynn, to role-play being the head of programming for the BBC, and he was going to ask him for a second series... When Lynn put up some opposition to the argument, Alan got very upset and said to Lynn, "Just say 'yes' to my second series," and she meekly replied, "Yes."

So with this process, for example, one person might begin by offering minimal resistance to the complaint, but gradually increase their opposition as the other person (the one wanting to increase their assertiveness) gains skill and confidence in being assertive. Here are those scenarios as an example, though you can pick any others you think might be pertinent:

1. You notice after leaving a shop that you have been short-changed, but the shop assistant doesn't believe you.
    
2. You realise that some clothing bought a few days earlier is faulty, but the shop won't accept a return because you've lost the receipt.
    
3. Someone pushes in front of you in a queue and refuses let you regain your place.
    
4. You find something wrong with the food you have ordered in a restaurant, but the waiter insists that it's as it should be.

Pick any of these problematic situations and run through them, roleplaying with another person or by yourself. Begin by briefly role-playing the initial problem-situation to set the scene for using the three step method below.

This is basically the attitude and process to adopt when heightening your assertiveness and for the remaining of the role-play, to acquire the skill set and to develop your own belief in being more appropriately assertive:

Four Steps for Assertiveness

Step One: Describe the plain facts of the situation

Be as logical and factual as you can here... Summarise the entire situation in an objective, impersonal way, sticking to the relevant facts.

Many people find it difficult, but really look at avoiding any emotive subjective responses to the situation or distorting things and especially move away from any catastrophising or over generalisations... You know, just because you thought a certain way towards these things in the past, does not mean you have to do that now. Get factual.

So you surmise... "As I see it, these are the facts of the situation..." ("These are the plain facts...")

Step Two: Acknowledge the other person's viewpoint

This might involve imagining what things are like for the others involved. Just politely reflect back your understanding of the other person's thoughts and feelings to show them that they have been heard, and also to make clear they don't need to restate their position.

You can affirm this by saying, "I understand your position is this..."

Step Three: Assert your own viewpoint

Clearly and concisely, summarise your objections and feelings about the situation. Use, "I talk" -- by that, make it clear what you mean and what your thoughts are, so that you are seen to take responsibility for your views.

Also, make sure you are being congruent and expressive, with your gestures and expressions used... If the body, face and gestures all say the same as your words, you beautifully avoid sending a mixed message of any kind. Congruence is key in being genuinely assertive.

You can simply state, "This is how I feel about things..." (Or, "I feel pretty upset about..." or, "I have a right to...")

Once you have done that to your satisfaction, move on to the next step.

Step Four: Propose a resolution

Say what action you're going to take, or what you expect others to do. Offer a compromise or a solution, and a first step that can be taken right away if appropriate.

You might say something along the lines of, "This is what I want to happen..." or, "I am going to..." or may be even stretch to a, "I want you to..."

Fit these into your sentences and get them lodged in to the role-play scenario as well as keeping agreeable, open and communicative at the same time. It is very similar to mental rehearsal that I have offered up in previous weeks.

You may want to rate how confident you feel about that scenario if it were to happen in real life. on a scale of 1-10, having gone through this process, how confident do you feel about it?

Then consider going back to it and practicing it over and over until you get a 10, or at least a number that you are satisfied with. If you have a higher score each time you practice, then you are developing assertiveness.

You may want to experiment with this by making more eye-contact during the exercise or changing your tone of voice.

Practice makes perfect, so have a go at repeating the role play to get some more assertiveness naturally lodged into your brain and your life. The results will make it very worthwhile!

Emergency Call...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead"

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Hahahaha... Very funny indeed... Thank you for sending in the jokes and putting them up in the members area all those of you that do regularly.

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Until next week, enjoy advancing your assertiveness. I thank you for reading! Goodbye for now.

With my very best wishes,

Adam Eason
www.adam-eason.com