Photo: Michal Jergla

My wife has had a project and a half on during recent weeks. She has designed and created a new kitchen for our home which has just been completed. It is a very old fashioned style which we both love, and I really do like our new kitchen, I must say.

We have a fancy new washing machine too. It is virtually silent. It is amazing that we can pile the washing into it, set it off to do its work and it cannot be heard, even if you are in the same room. Marvellous stuff!

Why, oh why, am I showcasing my washing machine today?

Allow me to digress a teeny bit first and all will become clear.

Many of my clients come to see me because they cannot let go of guilt and it really is what I would describe as a destructive emotion... To use a term coined by the Dalai Lama himself:

"Guilt is described by many schools of thought as a pervasive, destructive feeling of having to meet a high expectation or standard. What's more, guilt is a mechanism that when running riot, controls a person's behaviour! It starts to dictate things! It comes from the conscience, which defines the difference between right and wrong."

I know I mention it fairly often, but I was raised on the Sci-Fi comedy TV series 'Red Dwarf' and the ship's droid (named Kryten) in the series, has his 'guilt chip' removed for one episode and he behaved in hilarious ways when he was totally guilt-free! Can you imagine how you'd behave if you never ever felt guilty and knew you'd never feel guilty?

Many people learn to acknowledge their feelings, and learn what I'll call 'appropriate guilt'. I cannot believe that I have such a phrase written here. By appropriate guilt, I am talking about a level whereby it is functioning to our benefit. It could also be seen as other appropriate behaviours and could be renamed, 'sense of right and wrong', 'correct expectation' etc, etc.

I have worked with many people from very orthodox religious backgrounds and they have felt guilt from doing all manner of things that most of us take for granted as a daily activity, though I hasten to add that this is not true of all religions and all people... Please do not email me complaining that I referred to religion as guilt-inducing... I can remember being sat in midnight mass one Christmas as a youngster feeling really bad about my 'original sin' I was told I had!

Here in the UK, the popular soap opera EastEnders is currently tackling this issue, as a Muslim character named Syed is addressing his own guilt about his homosexual feelings, which he has been raised to think of as wrong and against his religion and family beliefs and values.

I work with many people that have an extreme sense of guilt. Let me tell you about it... Debilitating guilt is usually caused by prolonged moral anxiety that is a vicious cycle. The guilt cycle starts with shame, which turns into anger. The anger creates anxiety, which brings in more guilt. This endless cycle establishes negative self-accusation, self-loathing, and unhappiness.

In debilitating guilt there is no relief, even through punishment, making amends, self- punishment, or self-deprivation. Debilitating guilt is expressed in the mind, the body, and through actions. The mind reacts to guilt with negative self-talk and negative emotions such as sadness, disappointment, or anxiety. The body manifests debilitating guilt by showing symptoms of stress and fatigue. The stress and fatigue result in headaches, nervous disorders, and illness. Am I painting a worrying enough picture for you?

Most people's usual actions or responses stemming from this debilitating guilt can include avoiding the guilt, overcompensating for the guilt, or losing control altogether... Agghh!

By changing the approach to guilt using self-respect, forgiveness, kindness, and love, guilt can be placed in its proper perspective... Imagine taking the feelings and thoughts and emotions and perspectives and chucking them into a washing machine, letting them tumble around, be cleaned and thoroughly scrubbed... Then, when taken out, a new perspective is aroused and developed... You're seeing the relevance of my earlier washing machine link now, aren't you? I know, I know, what a tenuous link...

And that is what I am sharing with you here today.

The Guilt Processing Machine

This process is designed to help you process and let go of guilt that is holding you back or debilitating you in any way. It is done in some very simple steps.

Step One:

So firstly, in a place and environment where you can reflect quietly and concentrate on yourself, simply complete the following sentence by specifically naming the object of your guilt.

The thing you feel guilty about, when I refer to it, I'll simply call it 'X'. So here is that sentence to complete, using

• "I feel guilty about ________."
  (Example: I feel guilty about the accident at work. X = "The accident.")

Step Two:

So having done that, you now complete the following sentences that I have listed below... You insert the thing you feel guilty about (X) into the following sentences.

If it's an incident in the past, change the things to the past tense.

Begin by rating how true the following sentence feels to you at an emotional level. How true does it feel at an emotional level to you? Get an initial gauge on that and write it down.

• "You are to blame for X!"
  Emotional strength: ___%

Step Three:

Now here comes the interesting stuff... What you do now is to convert the concept of 'blame' into 'control'. Let me explain that a bit more...

You can only be blamed for something if you are responsible for it, and that means having power or control over it. So now rate the following sentences in relation to your 'X'. Based on the truth, factual and real-life evidence of the reality of 'X' -- what I'm saying is, be straight with yourself about it.

• "You control X."
  Factual truth: ___%
• "Someone else controls X." (You can have a specific person in mind.)
  Factual truth: ___%
• "External factors, outside anyone's control, cause X."
  Factual truth: ___%
• "You know everything you need to know to control X."
  Factual truth: ___%

With all of those factors scored and rated accurately, finish off with the next step...

Step Four:

t helps to have some visual representation of what is going on in reality here... So draw a circle and divide it into percentages like a pie chart. This then illustrates what percentage of 'X' you, other people, and external factors are responsible for. You get a visual representation of the reality of the situation.

Look at it, let the reality sink in as you do so and move on to the next step.

Step Five:

Take some time out to look at and observe the answers you have put together here and really contemplate your answers. Give it all a lot of thought and get a true reflection of reality.

So that now, with all that considered, re-evaluate how much you feel to blame for X now: ___%

it really ought to be lower if the true circumstances and reality have been correctly assessed and put into perspective.

Cool, eh? You just processed that old guilt, you chucked it into the machine, stirred it up, cleaned it and churned it out...

A Double Positive?

A linguistics professor was lecturing to her class one day.

"In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Hahahaha... Very funny indeed... Thank you for sending in the jokes and putting them up in the members area all those of you that do regularly.

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Until next week, enjoy processing old, unwanted guilt and blame. I thank you for reading! Goodbye for now.

With my very best wishes,

Adam Eason
www.adam-eason.com